Tonight, I Cried
By: Hannah Dearth
Tonight I CRIED about the state of this virus right now. When I say cried, I mean, full on snot... sobbing and uncontrollable breathing. I thought I might just cry forever.
Have you had that cry yet?
My mom and stepdad made food off for all of the kids to let them know they love us and are thinking of us, and stopped by to drop it off. Seeing her face made it real. Not being able to touch her, and trying to keep my children from running to hug her, was heartbreaking.
See, I have it pretty comfortable. I am safe. I am stable. I am young and healthy. I stay at home with small kids. My life right now is not significantly altered in terms of schedule or finances. My husband is still going into work for now, and that is a whole thing. But his interaction to public is limited. We are grateful.
It’s still hit me. It’s broken my heart, I’ve prayed and journaled and worked out ways to safely serve and encourage, but tonight it REALLY hit me. My 4 year old son said he would see my mom in a few days when this “sickness” is over. I thought maybe a few months...if we are lucky.
I’ve felt so guilty that I’ve tried to hide it until I just can’t anymore. I’ve shared some anxiety, but I want to be positive. Fearless. I want to show my faith and point to God. I know I should be thankful for this position I am in during all of this, and I am so very thankful. So, I worry a lot to myself, sometimes a sentence or two to others, and then I pray and try to just move along to whatever is right in front of me.
Friends, do you know that you can have feelings? You are allowed to feel all of the things. You should. That doesn’t mean you don’t have faith. That doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful. Just make sure after you have handled it, lay it down for Him. Make sure that after you feel it all, what you do with those emotions, points to Him.
Jesus wept. Jesus became angry and frustrated. Jesus was scared. God came to earth and experienced the feelings we have. He knows them personally. So, if the only perfect person to ever live felt this way, why wouldn’t we?
Get rid of the guilt. Get rid of the shame. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Just don’t stay there. Don’t act off of that alone. Stand on His truth and weep. Then, look to His promises.
He knows that pain and He has the power.